For the Better
My last post was a bit of a… well, it was somewhat depressing. I had a lot going on and felt like the walls I built up around me were caving in.
However, since then, things have gotten immensely better. I have been doing a lot more of the things I like to do. When I had a girlfriend, I stopped doing a lot of things. I began loosing myself. I got so caught up in trying to make her happy, I forgot to worry about myself. Things fell apart and when I saw my reflection, I didn’t really know who I was nor did i really like who i had become. This is changing.
I have begun to make steps and what I think is the right direction. I have made some long and short term goals that I hope to see come to fruit within the next few years. It will be a lot of work and a lot of studying, but it’s worth it. I’m happy.
I have made several new friends and for some reason, I keep meeting people who live really close to me. A couple even live just a few streets down. Things are becoming neighborly. I’m doing more with photography and get really excited about meeting people.
Things will not always be good. I know that. However, it is at those times when I realize what good is. It makes it that much more beautiful.
A Plea
I just posted a tweet with the words, “Lord, grant me peace and calm my anger. Guide my footsteps because I cannot do this alone.”
I truly mean this. I have been looking back and have noticed that I have been trying to do things alone. I simply cannot. I haven’t been praying like I use to and if I let myself be honest, hardly at all. Sure I might give my daily, “Please guide my feet. Forgive me of my sins.” half hearted prayers, but I have not been really praying.
I have not felt this lonely in a long time. I don’t blame anyone but myself. I see this “I can do it alone” phrase constantly in my head. It is causing problems in not only my spiritual relationship but also with my relationships with those whom I truly love.
Today, was kind of the straw breaking the camel’s back. About a month ago, I moved to a new branch of the school I have been working for. The old principle and new both accepted this and I thought things were done. I have been waiting on my papers to come in for it all to be finalized but now, my old principle is trying to ruin things. There have been lies, deception, and bullying to try and get me to do something I simply do not want to do. And because of this behavior, I would never work for that lady again. Now, she is trying to force her hand and cause me to not be able to work for the new branch. If this happens, I will have to fly out of Korea for a time then come back and work on my visa then. It will cost money and time I would rather not have to spend on something like this. It has become petty and has caused such anger in me. I wanted to scream at my work today or simply let tears roll from my face.
However, I did neither of these things. Instead, I sat there listening to the lies and deception and all the while anger kept building. I know I can’t do this alone. I know I have lots of issues going on inside my head and heart and need to work on this. I have been looking for a counselor and believe I have found one. We have exchanged emails and as soon as I get my work situated, I will be seeing a counselor. I simply can’t handle all of these things alone. Along with this, I will be praying more, like I use to.
I am writing this as a way for you, my friends to keep me accountable for this. Without you, I could simply back out and looking at my tract record, it is likely what will happen if I try to do it alone. Thank you for those who will help me through this and sorry to all of those who I love and say they love me for not being the best friend or person I could have been.
